Letters to the One I Love
by NotesOnPenguins
Summary: This is like half fanfiction, half diary entry. It can be applied to the Leah/Sam relationship, but i basically wrote it as my thoughts after my boyfriend broke up with me. I hope other girls going through the same thing can take comfort from this story.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm not really sure what this is but I guess it's kind of a half fanfiction, half diary entry. I just had to write it. It's probably a one-shot, though I'm not sure. It really isn't about Leah, but about me, although it could be applied to Leah and Sam.**

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I guess I should have known that it would end this way. I should have known that it wouldn't last. My life has been too perfect for too long. Something had to give.

I had always thought we were so perfect together; so similar, in subtle ways that just helped us fit together. Every one of our friends thought that we were right; so did I.

I was so busy focusing on the good parts that I neglected to think about everything that was wrong with our relationship. I was always the one pushing, always the one who wanted more. You never seemed to want that. I had deluded myself that we were more, that we could be more, but in reality we were just friends; the whole time. I wanted more, but you never did. I loved you—I still do—but you never loved me; at least not that way. You love me in the way that I love my brother; in the way that Emily, my best friend, and I love each other. Never more than that. I failed to realize this throughout our entire four month relationship. It wasn't until you realized it that I did.

You thought breaking up with me was the worst thing that you could do to my life. You thought I would hate you for it, that I wouldn't want even friendship. I could never lose you that way. I know you still care about me, or you would have just come out and said it. But you didn't want to tell me, didn't want to hurt me, because you still loved me, like a sister, like a friend.

You told me that you kind of got carried away, before, when you found out that I was crushing on you too. That once you got to know me better, you found out that there were parts of my personality that you didn't like so much. There were always things about you that bugged me: how you kept secrets, and didn't trust me enough to tell me. How you never seemed to want more from our relationship. But I overlooked those little annoyances, I saw the better you that I loved, and I thought we could be together so long. I really thought we were right together.

But I was wrong. And how could I hate you for that. It's so completely impossible for me to hate you when I love you so much. You did this, not wanting to hurt me, wanting to still be a part of my life, because it was the right thing to do. I was blinded by love, and so I didn't see all the ways that we weren't right together.

How could I hate you, when you taught me how to love? How could I hate you, when you showed me that not all guys are jerks, and some really can be great friends? How could I hate you, when every time I saw you, you smiled that smile that I loved, and I couldn't help but smile back? How could I hate you, when I learned so much about myself during these past four months? How could I hate you, when I could see how sorry you were that you had to hurt me, in the end?

You thought you broke my heart, but really you didn't. I'm a strong person, and it takes much more than that to truly break my heart. It hurt, I won't deny that, but in reality, I wasn't losing anything that I didn't already have. You were always my friend, and though I wanted you to be, you were never anything more.

When I first told my brother that I loved you, he wasn't entirely sure. He told me that love is when you will do the best thing for someone, no matter the consequence to yourself. Back then I thought I loved you, but I didn't know for sure because I hadn't been in a situation to find out. Now, I'm sure. I could hate you for doing what you did; I could refuse to talk to you or be around you; I could cry about it every night, and mope around and dwell on it all the time, but I won't. That is a stupid, immature way to handle it, and I refuse to do that to myself or to you.

Now I am 100 percent sure that I love you, because I was able to let you go. I know that this is the best for you, so I won't make it harder for either of us. If you start liking another girl at some point, or if another of our friends starts liking you, I won't be angry. If you start dating someone else, I won't hate either of you. I would support you, as a good friend would, if that was the best for you.

I remember when I read New Moon, it always irritated me how Bella never told Edward about everything he did to her when he left. But now I understand. She loved him, and she couldn't bear to cause him pain. Even after everything he did to her, she still loved him, and when he came back, she was just so entirely happy that she couldn't bring herself to ruin it. I guess, if at some point you wanted me back, I couldn't go around reminding you of when you broke up with me. I understand why Bella did what she did, and I'm sure that I would do the same.

I'm not trying to guilt you into changing your mind, or make you feel bad about everything. I just want to tell you why you haven't broken my heart, and why I will be your friend for as long as you want me to be, and why we can both move on in our lives without dwelling on the past. Though we didn't know it before, we were always just friends, never anything more. Now that we've both realized that, we can continue the way we always have, being great friends. And whoever you end up with, however far from now, she will never be good enough for you, just like I never was. Because no one is good enough for you. And if she doesn't realize that, than she's not the one for you.

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**Thanks for reading. This is just the best way to get things off my mind. Everything in this is true, in case you're wondering. Life experiences really make good stories sometimes, don't they? This is exactly what I want to say to my boyfriend right now. I hope it can touch some other girls who have had similar experiences.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I just had to keep writing. I thought maybe you guys would like to know the whole story. :)**

**The First Conversation**

"Please, please, please, please tell me!" I begged you.

You looked at me with that look in your eyes that you get when you're thinking really hard about something. "Just let Emily tell you." I could tell now that it wasn't good.

I'd spent the last two weeks daydreaming about the kiss; the kiss I was sure was inevitable; the kiss I had been hoping would happen for so long. I was sure that was what you were trying to keep from me; I was nearly positive. But now… I can see in your eyes now that your secret is not the kiss. It's something bad, something that you really don't want to tell me.

As if on cue you say, "Believe me, you really don't want to know."

"Actually, I do," I told you stubbornly. "And you're just making it worse."

You look at me again, apologetic this time. "You'll hate me for it. I know you will."

"You said that last time," I reminded him, "and in case you haven't noticed, I _don't _hate you."

"But this is worse," you said, torn. "It's so much worse, and you will hate me, and you'll cry about it, I know you will."

I glared at you. "Just get this over with so you can stop torturing the both of us."

You cast one more look around at the beautiful, sun-drenched park, and our little group of friends who were watching us from a spot just out of earshot, all of them knowing what he had to say.

Finally, you told me what I had been dying to know, and it certainly wasn't a kiss. It was the farthest thing from a kiss, something I had never in a million years dreamed of hearing from you.

"Let's just say that you're not the person I thought you were." I could tell how hard this was for you, how much you really didn't want to say what you had to.

"There's my mom." You jumped off the metal bar and left so fast I had no time to say or do anything but stare at your retreating back, shocked.

Of all the things I had thought to hear from you today, none of them were even close to that. The idea of you not loving me was something I could never have imagined. I thought we were perfect, that nothing could go wrong.

You didn't even really have to say it. That one phrase and I already knew what you meant. I just couldn't bring myself to believe that this could actually be happening to me, and now of all times. We were on the verge of our first kiss, and suddenly it was like the rug had been snatched from beneath me. All my hopes and dreams for us, gone in the instant those words left your mouth.

As I walked home, I thought and thought about everything. Everything we had been, everything we were now, and everything I had thought we could become. Gone. All of it was gone. Forever. After all that we'd been through together, I couldn't understand how this could happen.

But I didn't hate you. I thought that I should, but of all the jumbled emotions that I felt—sadness, longing, disbelief—hate simply wasn't one of those. What I most thought of was how badly I needed answers. There were so many questions I wanted to ask, but two stayed at the forefront of my mind: when, and why. When did you realize that you didn't love me the way you thought you did, the way you said you did? And the most important, why. Why did you realize it? Is there someone else you love more? Did I do or say something? What about me made you not love me anymore? I needed answers, and I had to get them tomorrow, in person. I couldn't wait through the weekend for something like this.

So I pulled you aside at lunch. All our friends watched us again; nothing was ever private when they were around. But I had to know.

"You only need to tell me two things: when, and why," I informed you.

You were a little taken aback by my directness. I had never been one to preamble. "When? Well, about five days ago, I guess. And why? Well…" You paused for what seemed like a million years. "Look, don't get me wrong, I really do think you are an amazing person, but now that I've gotten to know you better, there's just some parts of you that I don't like so much." As I suspected.

"I think… because you were the first girl to ever like me back… I kind of got carried away a little. And I think I would enjoy you a lot more if we were just friends."

I nodded, and you were about to leave, but I had one more important thing to say.

"I don't hate you," I said quietly, "and I probably never will."

You looked slightly surprised. "How do you not?"

"I'm not sure, but i definitely don't hate you. I'm not mad at you either. It's not your fault, and it's not my fault. I'ts nobody's fault. I won't lie, I'm not happy about it, but I won't cry. We're still friends, and that's fine for me."

"Have you moved on?" you asked. "Please tell me you have."

I debated, then decided on the truth. "No, I haven't. At this point I'm not sure if I can, but if I do, it'll probably be a while from now."

I could tell that you felt terrible for doing this to me, that you wanted me to move on so I could be happy and you could feel better about all this.

"We're friends," I said simply. "I'll be fine. Just please stop thinking that I'll hate you for every little thing. I thought you knew me better than that."

"I guess not," you replied. "I'm sorry, but I really have to go now." You turned to leave.

"Go." I gave you a small smile. "And thanks."

And as you turned away, I knew that everything I had said was true. I didn't like the situation, but I would deal with it. I wouldn't hate him, and I wouldn't cry, and I would be fine, eventually. Friends was the best I was going to get, so I would make it work. Right then and there, I refused to lose you more than I already had. If friends was all you could give me, I would take it without complaint.

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**Thanks again for reading. I'll probably keep writing more for this story, it's really great for relieving stress. Por favor (that means please) review! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**I know this story is supposed to be complete but I figure I'll add to it if I ever feel like writing about something really important to me. I may end up writing to someone else for this in the future, depending on who caused me to feel bad in some way. So I guess we have a new chapter now.**

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It's been two months now. I've gotten over you, and I like someone else now. But I still love you; this time the right way. But you don't seem to love me at all.

For a while everything was perfect between us. We acted just the same as we always had, only now it was so much easier to talk to you. We were best friends; we had fun together, told each other everything, trusted each other. But that's gone now. Nothing good ever lasts with us.

It started a couple weeks ago. You became distant. You didn't talk to me much, and I felt like you were slipping away from me. Now I've been replaced. Twice. Amy and Abby are two of my best friends, and you've replaced me with them. You're nice enough to me when they aren't around, but the moment they show up all of your focus is on them, and I am ignored completely.

Lunch used to be my favorite part of the day. It was the only time I really had a chance to hang out with you. Now I hate it. I hate sitting there, right across from you, watching you joke and laugh with Amy and Abby who sit next to you. I can't stand you telling me to go away while you talk secrets with Abby, while you laugh and tease Amy. I can't stand seeing you smile at them, that smile you used to reserve just for me, that beautiful smile I never receive anymore.

I always said I would never, could never hate you. Not completely. I do hate you sometimes now, but even among that anger, I still love you, and I don't want to lose you. I've distanced from other friends of mine over the past year, but I could lose them. I can't lose you. To lose you would be like losing a part of my life, my first love, my best friend. And that's something I can't bear to lose.

But apparently you can. You don't care anymore. Sometimes I feel like even if I died you wouldn't give a care about it. You don't like having me around, you just put up with me. If I walk away somewhere else, you won't care. If I transfer schools, you won't care. If I shut you completely out of my life, you won't care. Some friend you turned out to be.

I can't blame Abby or Amy. It's not their fault that they're the people you replaced me with. They don't realize what you're doing to me. You don't even realize it yourself.

That's the worst part. You're doing this without even realizing it. You are unconsciously pushing me out of your life. You don't know what you're doing, how much you're hurting me. But I do. And every day it gets worse.

I told Amy about how I feel. She understood; she tried to apologize for something she had no control over. She insisted that she talk to you, but I didn't want her to. I had already decided to talk to you myself as soon as possible, but I hadn't gotten my chance yet. She wanted to talk to you so badly, to ask you why you were ignoring me, but I wouldn't let her. You would think less of me if she talked to you instead. So I told her no.

I don't care who's around us tomorrow, but I will talk to you. Myself. In person. That's the way I do things. I can't let this get in the way of our friendship. I can't lose you, not now. Not after everything we've gone through together.

It gets worse every day. I get happy at the thought of seeing you, of being with you. I smile at the sight of you. Until I remember how you're treating me. Until I remember that I'm not good enough to hang out with you anymore. Until I remember that you don't care about me, only the people I'm standing next to. None of them know you the way I know you, none of them see you the way I see you, none of them love you the way I love you. And they never will. You will always be a special person to me, and I will always love you, even when I can't stand to be around you.

I'm fed up with this, so I'm going to fix it. I'm going to talk to you, and sort this out with you, just like I have so many other things. But right now it hurts.

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**Thanks for reading. I know these are all kinda sad, but I write a lot when I'm sad. It helps me feel better about it. So, yeah. If you're reading this, please review it. It would mean a lot to me.**

**~Livvi :)**


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